I was extremely late on a work deliverable last month, so basically trying to keep a low profile from the individual requesting the data. Said colleague emails me and asks for it again and before I can respond, my co-team-guy-person message-chats me to tell me she is looking for me. My stomach begins to feel like its filling up with bricks, that sinking feeling where you *might* get in trouble but you also don’t want to let a good colleague down. I still only have 24 hours in the day like everyone else, and I’m still way behind. Liz, co-team-guy-person types in the messenger app, she called me because she was worried about you, she thought you had THE CORONA!!! My stomach churns a bit and the sinking stops, and I let out a bit of a chuckle. I type back in the messenger app: I’ve got 99 problems but Covid ain’t one of them!
So, Jay-Z, if you don’t mind, I’m borrowing your song title concept to describe the state of things on my forty-second birthday. In no particular order, my personal situation for the first half of 2020:
99. As of today, I will be driving on an expired driver’s license. The DMV says for now, it’s ok due to Covid, all expiration are extended. All DMV offices are closed for now. Then the DMV mails me renewal paperwork because my license is expiring.
98. My dog likes to sleep on my side of the bed. While I’m in it.
97. Nick was banned from Egg Wars for teaming up with other players. I’m not entirely sure what this means. File under ‘Minecraft or something’.
96. My daughter has discovered Nutella. She has become addicted. Just eats it off the spoon.
95. The Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020. It has revealed our inner demons as a society.
94. The Great Baking Products Shortage of 2020. It has revealed our inner comfort food makers as a society.
93. Bleach. It’s now a cocktail.
92. And you know those clear drinks are typically low in calories so no one will be inventing ‘Skinny Girl Bleach’ or Clorox-lite
91. No one will be inventing those drinks because they will be dead.
90. Defund the Police? I’m personally unsure. Defund Poison Control? Oh hell no.
89. Dr. Anthony Fauci. I had never heard of you before, but once you opened your mouth on live broadcast, I knew we must be from the same neighborhood.
88. We are from adjacent neighborhoods. Me and my girls got our hair done for my wedding right next to where your parents had their pharmacy.
87. Because Brooklyn.
86. Once you opened your mouth on live broadcast, I knew we had at least one adult in the room.
85. “Lakeview Quarantine Travel Site. It started out fun, and then I realized I was just wasting my time learning stuff” – Nicholas, age 8.
84. Lakeview Quarantine Travel Site. Nobody won the TP and vodka shot!
83. To save on toilet paper, my husband bought a Bidet attachment for our toilet. You must appreciate the thought process of engineers. It’s literally called a Buttler.
82. Bidets: Calibrating water pressure is everything.
81. Tiger King and Carole f**** Baskin.
80. We don’t watch TV anymore.
79. I mean we cannot turn the TV on any longer when the kids are in the room.
78. Minneapolis. I had no idea it was such a powder keg.
77. Tulsa 1921. I had no idea.
76. George Floyd.
75. Breonna Taylor. It was just her birthday too.
74. Rayshard Brooks.
73. Ahmaud Arbery.
72. The amount of time between Ahmaud Arbery’s death and the arrest of his killers.
71. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
70. Lafayette Square, Washington D.C.
69. Hypocritical Bible-toters.
68. I think you could have handed him a phonebook or the Encyclopedia Britannica (Vol W-Z) and he’d not notice. Is he aware of books? I mean the inside of books, like the parts with the words?
67. And some day the taxpayers of the United States will build him a presidential library? Maybe a casino instead. Maybe it will file for bankruptcy.
66. New Rochelle.
65. Arbitrary building/fire code ordinances.
64. Public Officials who use arbitrary building ordinances to appease nervous white people.
63. America, WTF?
62. Oh did you catch Mrs. America on Hulu. WTF?
61. I’ve started watching The Handmaid’s Tale.
60. I said, Liz, is this really the year to watch this series?
59. Yes, yes it is.
58. Did you ever notice how the dark vans driven by THE EYES in Handmaid’s Tale look remarkably like those dark blue Amazon delivery vans?
57. Jeff Bezos already knows how the Handmaid's Tale is going to end because he has ALL THE DATA.
56. Margaret Atwood already knows who is going to win the Superbowl in 2022 and 2023 because she can obviously predict the future.
55. Spoiler alert, it’s not the Jets.
54. Nor the Browns.
53. “99 Problems” by Jay-Z. The song is 17 years old, but if you look at the lyrics, they are relevant right now. But I don’t think the song enumerates 99 problems. This is going to be a long list.
52. I took it literally and wrote down 99 items. It’s kind of my job.
51. If you’re still reading, we must be really good friends.
50. If we’re really good friends, then I can confess the following.
49. Day Drinking. On weekdays. That are not holidays.
48. Andrew Cuomo or Chris Cuomo, how do you choose?
47. The Governor Mario M. Cuomo bridge. I used to make fun of how was unilaterally named. I’ll leave it alone now.
46. All the graduations that didn’t happen. Everyone deserves their moment.
45. My kids ask me why people eat bats.
44. Homeschooling. It sucks.
43. Homeschooling, no one was prepared for it. 3 months later, it still sucks.
42. As much as kids complain about school, it’s their world and they need it.
41. 8-year olds. 5-year olds. Big enough to know the world is different. Small enough to be afraid.
40. Small enough to think they somehow caused the virus.
39. Small enough to not be able to articulate their anxiety.
38. Small enough to manifest anxiety into epic meltdowns.
37. And bedwetting.
36. When snuggling doesn’t seem to be enough.
35. And you feel like you can’t help your children feel better.
34. And the first two weeks of April, when you learn of 3 Covid-Related deaths.
33. One was older, one was my age.
32. Two were dads.
31. And two more non Covid-related deaths.
30. One was older, one was a tragic accident that made the network news.
29. I mean we cannot turn the TV on any longer when the kids are in the room.
28. There aren’t any funerals, or proper good-byes.
28. Can’t really grieve in front of the kids, or mention the words ‘Corona’, ‘hospital’, and ‘sick’, in front of the kids. And you can’t spell the words out anymore because the 8-year-old is sharp.
27. And amid all this, we’re working full time. Overtime.
26. It’s quarter-end. It’s tax time. Oh wait, I also must teach second grade.
25. I'm working on a second major economic catastrophe in a dozen years.
24. So us working parents commiserate. I contemplate resigning on more than one occasion.
23. Flexibility is great, but every day becomes a 24-hour day of housework, schoolwork and work-work.
22. We work together through Webex, email and Skype. I do miss my co-workers. But not all of them.
21. Ambient noises from colleagues' homes work their way in – kids scream-laughing, dogs barking, sirens, car alarms, the guy working from his parent’s chicken farm.
20. If I had a dollar for every time a colleague said, “My wife handles that”, I wouldn’t need to work.
19. Oh did you catch Mrs. America on Hulu. WTF?
18. We’ve made it to the last week of (home) school.
17. My dislike for writing poetry and plant science has been passed down to my second grader. Sorry. Not Sorry.
16. Second grade social studies curriculum is beginning to resemble Lakeview Quarantine Travel Site.
15. Facts about states and virtual field trips around the world, but no mini vodka bottles. Fair.
14. Kindergarten: it’s a magical time. First grade is all business.
13. First grade does not care if you know what season it is. First grade is all desks and no color-matching tables with rug-time spots.
13. Kindergarten assignment videos: Jack Hartman. He sings about every letter. Letter combinations. The Silent 'E'. Numbers. Basic addition. It is the songs that get in your head and never, ever get out.
12. The Second grader sasses the Kindergartener because he already knows all the answers to K homework.
11. The big one picks on the little one. The big one is clever and strong. The little one is fierce and savage. The big one is a show-off. The little one has already mastered the element of surprise. I'm the referee.
10. They both ask me for juice boxes. And snacks. Incessantly.
9. While I am on a conference call. And they are standing in the kitchen.
7. Like right now.
8. If you made it this far, we must be really good friends.
6. Or you are delaying getting Monday started too.
5. No judgement.
4. Forty-one was a bad year for me. 2019 was a bad year.
3. 2020 is in a league of its own.
2. Here is to Forty-two. I want to say it cannot get any worse, but…
One. Here is to another trip around the Sun. May the Universe be kind to us all.
